I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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