If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
im having a threesome with these popsicles
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
