The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
