I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Randomize
