i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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