2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize