How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
