mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
