thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
