Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My penis needs a shock collar
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
