She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize