Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
