Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize