This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
