On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
