I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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