Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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