its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
