I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
