You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Randomize
