So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
