according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
