i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
