there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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