why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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