mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize