Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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