I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize