every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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