I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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