I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
