hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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