Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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