So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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