I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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