that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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