Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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