Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I think i got beer on your cat.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
