I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
