She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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