I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
