A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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