i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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