theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
