i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
