My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
