I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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