you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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