I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize