Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
