I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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