the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
