This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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