a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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