this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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