you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize