I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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