mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
